Ghostbuster
Apr 6th, 06, 05:48 PM
I'm sure everyone here has most of these items in their garage, and uses them as described below..
My personal favorites -
VISE GRIPS: A device to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack
handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines
you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt
oil on your shirt; Can also be used as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw
heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 2000 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
plasticparts and the other hand not holding the knife.
My personal favorites -
VISE GRIPS: A device to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack
handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines
you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt
oil on your shirt; Can also be used as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw
heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 2000 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal,
plasticparts and the other hand not holding the knife.