Humpday Humor, 6/12 ,,, Birth Control Pills
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.When the doctor asked why she was there, s
he replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
“Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And that’s how the fight started…
THE STAGES OF SUCCESS
At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is…having friends.
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is…having sex.
At age 35 success is…having money.
At age 50 success is…having money.
At age 60 success is…having sex.
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is…having friends.
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants
EXERCISES FOR SENIORS
You know how important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions.
I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand,
extend my arms straight out tomy sides and hold them there as long as I can.
After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-pound potatosacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where
I could lift a100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
Q How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
A Unique Up On It.
Q. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
A Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
Q. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
A They Take The Psycho Path.
Q How Do You Get Holy Water?
A You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
Q. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Q. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Q. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A A Stick.
Q. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A Nacho Cheese.
Q What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A Subordinate Clauses.
Q. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A Quattro Sinko.
Q. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
A Spoiled Milk.
Q What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Q. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A A Nervous Wreck.
Q. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Q. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
A Right Where You Left Him.
Q. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A Because They Have Big Fingers.
Q. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A Because It Scares The Dog.
Q. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Q What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
A The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get ano bell prize.
Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then yells to the second man,“Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets."
“That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask.“I work for 7 Up!”
Give a man a rescued dog for the health of both their souls. May 2017 ROTM Winner - Thank you!
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CUBS - 2016 World Series Champions - maybe this year, 2019 ...