“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice,
“but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease,
we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
“This is terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint.
“I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…
What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he drove.
He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent.
The only consolation I found was the thought of the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane.
Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road.
Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family. We headed to the small hick town he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks.
It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up I learned things could get quite a bit worse.
“Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection.
“THIS IS WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”
It Started Joke
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV,
and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
Father In Law Joke
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug,
“I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about?
That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
House Wife Joke
Q. How many worn-out housewives does it take to change a light bulb?
A. one – ONE! That’s right you guessed it, it’s me! Why ME?! Do you think I have nothing better to do with my time?!
DO YOU THINK A HOUSE GETS CLEANED BY ITSELF???!! Is it my job to change the light bulb too?!
I feel like I’m constantly running after everyone cleaning up their mess! HAVE YOU SEEN ME SIT DOWN ONCE THE WHOLE DAY?!
And if anyone else in the family ever agrees to put in the light bulb, they complain the whole way through like I am squeezing there neck.
It would just be easier for me to just do it myself. Being a housewife is the most under appreciated job in the world!
I SHOULD STOP CLEANING for a WEEK and then you’ll all appreciate all I DO!
Cute Pick Up Line
OH MY GOODNESS!! You are not going to believe it, I saw the cutest thing in a store window.
I was going to buy it for you but then I realized it was my reflection!!
Ever Wonder? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Ever Wonder? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing soap made with real lemons?
Ever Wonder? Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Ever Wonder? Why is it doctors call what they do “practice”?
Ever Wonder? Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Ball Game Thoughts
Ever Wonder? Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
Ever Wonder? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If bread is square why is sandwich meat round?