Humpday Humor, 9/11 ... Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?"
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Truck Black Box
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine,
in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states, the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Sh*t!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Q: What do people say about boiled eggs?
A: They're hard to beat.
Little Johnny - Stupid
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses.
The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Little Johnny and the Preacher's Lost Skill
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day.
He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked, and pulled, and tugged on that cord.
Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.
"You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you!"
Jump Two Feet
Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.
The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter.
Johnny looks at the rubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind.
The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?"
"Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them.
Do you know what these will do to a woman?"
Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"
Give a man a rescued dog for the health of both their souls. May 2017 ROTM Winner - Thank you!
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CUBS - 2016 World Series Champions - maybe this year, 2019 ...