Humpday Humor, 10/23 ... Better?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
Parallel lines have so much in common. Itís a shame theyíll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think itís a scream?
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did the traffic light say to the car? Donít look! Iím about to change.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. Iíll go on ahead.
Why wouldnít the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer...
A bank is a place lending you money, if you can prove you donít need it.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
If youíre not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
Donít drink while driving Ė you might spill the beer.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I refuse to answer the question on the grounds I don't know the answer.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but neither does milk.
Give a man a rescued dog for the health of both their souls. May 2017 ROTM Winner - Thank you!
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CUBS - 2016 World Series Champions - Thank you, Joe Madden Ö enjoy your next chapter.