Humpday Humor, 11/20 ... Hospital Regulations
Hospital rules state patients checking out must have a wheelchair.
One day a newly graduated nurse assistant came into the room to find an elderly man fully dressed.
He was sitting on the bedside chair, with a piece of packed luggage at his side, all ready to go.
When he was shown the wheelchair, he was adamant he was fully capable of walking himself to the parking lot.
But the assistant told him rules were rules, so he relented and let her wheel him out.
In the elevator, the assistant asked the elderly man if his wife was coming to meet him.
“I don’t think so,” he replied. “It takes her awhile to change her clothes, so she’s probably still upstairs in the bathroom taking off of her hospital gown and getting dressed.”
A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set.
Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.
The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water.
He thought this was really cute, so she did it several more times.
When the mother came home, the father had the mother stop and watch the little tea ritual, as her daughter brought the father another cup of tea (water) and he drank it.
The mother said, “Very nice. But has it occurred to you the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE
Looking for a willing partner, any sex or ethnicity. I'm a gorgeous, fun-loving girl who lives to play and make you happy. Let's go for a romp in the woods or a picnic in the park. Let's cruise in your convertible with the top down and then go skinny-dipping. I love the outdoors in any weather, and winter nights cuddled up on the sofa. Good food is a total turn on. Stroke me and see how I respond. I'll be waiting whenever you come home, with nothing but bells on.
Call 555-6521 and ask for Dixie.
Callers found themselves talking to the local animal shelter about a golden retriever puppy.
Ben: Where do goldfish go on vacation?
Ben: Around the globe!
Teacher: Johnny, please use the words “letter carrier” in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes, ma’am. “My dad said after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage.”
Spencer: What summer vacation destination makes your pet bird sing for joy?
Brian: I haven’t a clue.
Spencer: The Canary Islands!
Monica: Where did your mom go for her summer vacation?
Monica: Never mind, I’ll ask her myself.
Myles: Why didn’t the elephant buy a suitcase for his vacation?
Myles: Because he already had a trunk!
John: What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
John: A coconut on vacation!
Joke About Getting Older
“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
What did the pig say on a hot summer day? – I’m bacon!
Why do bananas use sunscreen? – Because they peel.
Why are gulls named seagulls? – If they were by the bay, they’d be bagels.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? – Because they’re shellfish.
Which letter is the coolest? – Iced t.
What do you call a snowman in July? – A puddle.
What do sheep do on sunny days? – Have a baa-baa-cue.
What did one tide pool say to the other tide pool?- Show me your mussels.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? – A fsh.
What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? – It gets wet.
What does a bee do when it is hot? – He takes off his yellow jacket.
What holds the sun up in the sky? – Sunbeams.
What race is never run? – A swimming race.
When do you go at red and stop at green? – When you’re eating a watermelon.
Why did the man love his barbecue? – Because it was the grill of his dreams.
What is the best day to go to the beach? – SUNday.
What does the sun drink out of? – Sunglasses.
What did the ocean say to the sailboat? – Nothing, it just waved.
Q: Which season do math teacher’s like the most?
Q: What game do anglers like to play during the summer?
A: Go fish.
Q: What did the boy say after a long day at the beach?
A: Mommy, I’m surf bored.
Q: What do trains do during the summer?
A: Play beach trolleyball
Q: What do toads drink on a hot summer days?
A: Ice cold Croak-o-cola.
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses to school?
A: Because her students were so bright
Q: What do fans do at the Summer olympic games?
A: Heat waves.
Q: How do yellow jackets get to school in the morning?
A: By school buzz
Q: Why did they call the police during the summer beach concert?
A: Something fishy was going on.
Q: What do sheep do on nice summer days?
A: Go to a baa-baa-cue.
Q: What did the family do when they arrived at the summer breach resort?
A: They shellabrated.
Q: Where do sheep go for summer vacation?
A: The Baa-hamas
Give a man a rescued dog for the health of both their souls. May 2017 ROTM Winner - Thank you!
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CUBS - 2016 World Series Champions - Thank you, Joe Madden … enjoy your next chapter.