And Then Some
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your Toothbrush.
Bubble Baths
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Valentine Dreams
A woman was taking a nap one afternoon. When she work up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think the dream means?”
“You’ll find out tonight,” he said.
The next evening, her husband came home with a small package for her.
Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled “How To Interpret Your Dreams."
Cost of Marriage
The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son" he said. "I'm still paying for it."
Star Spangled Banner
You might be a ******* if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Just burned 2,000 calories. This is the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a Chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your Toothbrush.
Bubble Baths
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Valentine Dreams
A woman was taking a nap one afternoon. When she work up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a beautiful and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think the dream means?”
“You’ll find out tonight,” he said.
The next evening, her husband came home with a small package for her.
Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled “How To Interpret Your Dreams."
Cost of Marriage
The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son" he said. "I'm still paying for it."
Star Spangled Banner
You might be a ******* if you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Just burned 2,000 calories. This is the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
A Mexican magician was doing a magic trick. He said, Uno, Dose, and he disappeared without a trace.
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a Chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
When I lose the TV controller, it's always hidden in some remote destination.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.