Back from court... Basically I'm screwed.

383 · Jul 13, 2005

Court was Mon. and it didn't go well at all for me. The Psychologist had nothing but good things to say about me and still recommended I only see my daughter in Vegas 3 weekends a month. 8 hours a day until she's 18 months. She's 9 mos. now. At 18 mos. I can have her overnight in Vegas 3 weekends a mo. until age 2 1\2. Then I get to bring her to Ca. to spend 2 weekend w\overnights. I have to spend the 3rd weekend in Vegas. WTF?
This goes on until she is 4 yrs. old and then the joint physical goes into effect. By then she will be starting kindergarten\school and she can't be going to 2 different schools, so it's essentially worthless. All this is supposed to be in the childs best interest? To spend minimal time away from her father?
The Psych. also states that if either one of us moves to the others geographical location, the joint custody would take place. Now when called on it, he's backpeddling saying that the current schedule would still remain in place. WTF?
I would be willing to relocate to Vegas if it meant I would get the joint physical, but all I hear is there are no guarantees. I have been on my job 12 years. I make a decent income (more than I would make in Vegas). I own my home, the Psych sees me as a good parent, but yet I am being forced to move somewhere I don't want to live and give up everything I have and have worked so hard for on the "chance" that I might get more time with my daughter. This to me is B.S. To make me struggle financially and live in some scummy neighborhood in a $h@thole town that the devil himself created, is not in my daughters best interest.
This absolutely sucks, and I am not happy. I am dumbfounded and very pi$$ed off. God must have a sense of humor and thinks this is funny.
I however do not.

Rocketrod · Jul 14, 2005

It never ceases to amaze me what the "court" or some "so called expert" thinks is in the best interest of the child. Hopefully you are on good terms with her mother and you can work something out. Until then keep your chin up and God bless.

DjD · Jul 14, 2005

I'm sure god has a sense of humor but I doubt he's using your daughter as the brunt of his joke. More like he's testing you as well as the girls mother. Both of you are now challanged to raise this child and you both have time to adjust to the joint coustody that comes when your daughter turns 4. I know you have had your heart set on more than you got but from where I am sitting you did good. Your little girl will be 4 faster than you can blink, mines 14 and I swear it was just a few months ago my wife and I were working opposite shifts to avoid infant care.

Take advantage of every moment you can arrange to be with your daughter and try to find a secondary reason to be in Las Vegas other than the casinos. If you had an RV other than the driving back and forth it could be almost like you have a home to go to when you go see her. Sure would beat a cheap hotel by the airport. Once your child is 4 work with her mother to decide where she's going to go to school. It's easy on a child early on but from about 6th grade on they deserve to stay put if at all possible. What ever you work out the other gets the child for summer and long holidays 2 weeks at Christmas and a week of spring break too.

My dad drove 360 miles from Las Vegas to Santa Barbara at least once a month for more years than I can remember and I had some great times during the summer at his place in Las Vegas and he's still driving to see me a couple times a year here in San Jose. We just had a small gathering for his 75th here at the house. He'll be back in Sept and I'll be over at his place in Nov. Anyway I'm going on and on and I think you see where I'm coming from. Look to the positive when you get past the hurt and anger and get on with being the best dad you can be. We arn't always delt the best hand in the deck but it isn't that hard to play the game and have fun once the cards are delt...

rich pern · Jul 14, 2005

Sorry Tom that things did not go better for you.

But, you are the father, and we seem to be a society that is learning the hard way that father's are not as replaceable as Hollywood and the other feminist / liberal establishments have been promoting for years.

The only advice I have is like the other guys here have said. Make the best of it. As hard as it may be, don't trash your x to your daughter. Make your time with her a special time, and be a parent when you can instead of a "friend". Keep involved in the decision making process, even if you are in another state (I am sure that you will be paying for it!).

I will keep you and your fmaily in my prayers!

Blessings,

Rich

383 · Jul 14, 2005

Thanks for the kind words all.
Dennis, I know what your saying, but that doesn't make me feel better.
I agree that it is some sort of test, but what lesson am I to learn by being minimally involved in my daughters life? I know you don't have the answer, as I do not. It seems every person who has credentials can decide whether or not I have a meaningful relationship with my daughter. The opposing counsel has no children, the judge has no children, the Psych. 1 child.
Who are these people to make decisions for me regarding a relationship with my child? The mother is obviously not fostering a parent\child relationship towards my daughter and myself, but the court overlooks it.
I received an e-mail today from the mother regarding the new visitation schedule, and she is rewriting and trying to tell me different than the proposed schedule. WTF? It is the mothers intent to keep me from my daughter as much as possible. The statute states that "custody shall be awarded to the parent that fosters the best other parent relationship".
This is not happening. The court is blind as to her motive.
The motive being that the mother will do everything she can to keep me from my child. Meanwhile I am forced to have a good attitude toward the situation, and keep a faith in God, and believe there is some sort of lesson to be learned.
My good attitude is close to being over. My faith in God is always there, and the lesson I'm supposed to learn is beyond me.
I'm at a loss for words right now. I can't believe that God would use my\his child to teach me a lesson. My daughter deserves to know her father, and as her father I deserve to know and bond with her in that capacity.
This court system and the people "in charge", have no business deciding the future of my relationship with my child.
The court won't look at the facts and are deciding this case based on dated precedents. I have no doubt I would be a better parent to my daughter. I truly believe this. But the court and the "professional" don't see it.
I question them both.

4Z2864 · Jul 14, 2005

Tom, I grew up in this same situation, very hard on a kid. Went so far as to get on the witness stand and try to explain why I told each parent what THEY wanted to hear. Talk, listen and be as close to your kid as our crappy system allows. Try to get your x to understand that no matter how she feels about you, you're going to be in your child's life even after you're gone get along and make decisions that are really in the child's best interest, not convenient for you or for some stupid vindictive reason. GOD bless.

Gary L · Jul 14, 2005

Orangevale to Vegas is a long haul 3 times a month. I say move there. It is probably better she knows you did that when she is older than growing distant over time. It would be easy to skip a weekend then another etc. You may start another life in Orangevale then it would be very easy to grow distant. You should get a lot for your house and do well buying another, with Vegas booming. Give it time and thought. You are just angry now. Go check it out and look around for a job. Looking is free. You living in Vegas is best for her. Good luck.

DjD · Jul 14, 2005

Tom - without taking sides, when a childs parents don't live together one or the other is deprived at all times. I don't like the courts taking the stance that the child is better off with the mother but it's based off of stat's and unfortunatly the stats are stacked against us. I can say for a fact that 2/3 or more of the men I know refuse to change a diaper and wouldn't buy tampons for their wife if she asked him to go to the store. Look at how many sports figures father how many kids and watch daytime TV like Maury Povich who gives his guests paturnity test just about every time the show is on. Your fellow man is the reason we don't get the fair shake...

AS for the mothers attitude, be smart and use every bit of it against her. Keep the importand conversations to e-mail and save them. Stuff said face to face or on the phone is your word against hers. Document everything, her not being home when visitation was scheduled, her attempts to change the scheduled visits, everything. When you have enough go see the judge, pick your visits to the judge wisely so you don't become a pain in the court and have facts that can't be disputed... Don't forget phone records, even if just to prove she didn't call between e-mails to fill you in that she couldn't be home... Remember always speak respectful of your childs mother and let her actions prove her motives if she's trying to interfear with your involvment with your daughter.

Hang in there, good luck and grasp every moment with your child you can...

383 · Jul 14, 2005

I hear what everyone is saying. I appreciate and respect your input and am glad you took the time to respond. I think the writing is on the wall though, that I'll have to move to Less Vegas. The whole damn thing just sucks. I can scream all I want to about the injustice, but it does nothing. It is what it is.
I'm not done fighting though, I will fight this to my bitter end. It may not gain me more, but at least I can know I did all I could. I'm so depressed and angry, right now,...
Thanks for the support. It means a lot.

BlackoutSteve · Jul 14, 2005

I've decided not to get married.
I'm gonna skip all the headaches, stress and my precious time and just get it over and done with by finding someone I hate and give them my house! :clonk:

Sorry dude.. It helps to laugh. Good luck.

MrDanB · Jul 14, 2005

Tom,
I think you are forthright for "going the distance" you have! Not every Dad would do all this to be near his kid(s)...As for the custody part...The woman carries the child, so the court takes into consideration things like "maternal instincts", and the cold fact is that many Dad's are deadbeat with child support, don't care, abusive, etc. Like Dennis says it's stacked in their favor from the very start! Keep your chin up and your head level, and try to think everything through! Good Luck!

Dano

ssdanny69 · Jul 14, 2005

Tom,

in a matter such as this, there's no consolation. I can tell you from experience. When all said and done, it's the child that loses the most. I truly feel sad for you and all parties involved. The judicial system is not perfect but it's the next closest thing. Men in general do not have the same rights as women as it pertains to parental rights. However, the tide is slowly turning.

Divorce itself takes on a huge toll on a person and when there's children involved, it's the most gut-wrenching experience you'll have in life, next to death. There's really not much anymore can say or do to change your situation but you do have options to preserve your realtionship with your child in the future. Let's focus of the needs of the child because if the groundwork is not laid now, both you and your ex will lose your relationship with your child as he/she gets older.

There's a reason why you got a divorce. Regardless of who's to blame, chance are, things were done and said that can't be taken back but if you did your part as a husband and father, good things will come to you in the end.

chip_127 · Jul 14, 2005

I have been through the same sort of situation with my daughter since she was around three years old. She turnes fifteen next month. I have learned one thing over the years - the father always gets screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it but bend over and take it. Just know you are not alone in dealing with this. :thumbsup:

ummgawa · Jul 14, 2005

I joke around alot here and on the other boards, but I can tell you one thing here, God is in the same place he was when his son died. He is not the author of your misfortune, he is the answer to your sorrow. Our system is a mess because Liberal Hippies have been allowed to make it that way.
I will pray for you.

camaroman7d · Jul 14, 2005

Tom,
You are in a tough situation (not that you didn't already know that). Hang in there, the right thing will happen (might take years, but it will). I am not sure I would pack up and move just yet. Don't over react, give it a little time and let your head clear up. What's to say if you move down there the mother won't up and move? Women can do some crazy things when it comes to wanting their way or their children. I would move if I were in your shoes. Vegas is a short flight, see if you can get a package deal with one of the airlines, set up some flights and see how things go. If the mother wants to make thing s hard on you she can and will. You best bet is to try to become friends or at least on good terms with the mother, if that doesn't happen things are going to be rough.

I know it has been said that, other men make it hard for those of us that are good fathers. I don't buy that at all. Each case needs to be taken seperately and that is how the court system is "SUPPOSED" to work. While I agree it doesn't work that way and that if you're a man in a divorce or child custody you are screwed. It's not right, but it's the way it works.

Tom only you know what's right for you and there are many different approaches that can be taken. Just take as much time as you need to make a well thought out decision. Weigh all options, pros, and cons.

Is the mother an un-fit mother? Does she work? Have a place to live? Is she a druggie? If she is fit, you will have a heck of a time getting the "law" behind you. They see you as a paycheck for the child and not much more.

Sorry to hear things didn't work out better for you.

sicsD8 · Jul 14, 2005

Do the best with the time you've been given. It's more about the quality of time you spend together not the quantity. Sometimes it's hard for a person to step outside themselves and take a look at the big picture of life. Somethings you just can't control. Do the best with what you're given and it'll make a better person out of you.

FWIW- Try not to blame God or anyone else for the way the situation turned out. Two grown adults made the decision to have a child. God isn't the one responsible that your relationship didn't work out. Life continues to go on day after day. You can fight it or go along with it, but it will continue, day after day. Make the best of the life you've been given.

davidpozzi · Jul 14, 2005

Welcome to the club!
This is life lesson time, you don't allways get what you want and life isn't fair, you had a lot to say about things in the family but that is over now. I had a very hard time living with that fact too. Give it a good fight, but realize in the end you are going to have to accept what you can get out of it and do the best you can. Harsh words, but life is a long road with plenty of bumps in it.

Is the mother really going to stay in Vegas? What if you move there and she moves somewhere else?

pdq67 · Jul 15, 2005

"Innovative economy" at it's finest, imho!! Just look at how many people weren't workimg at REAL jobs in your situation...

My ex-wife got custody AND I was allowed to see my three little kids at the time pretty much any time I could or wanted to!

I got a promotion that I took that moved me to South Bend from Mexico, MO b/c I knew my ex- at that time wanted to go back to school AND that she would need more money to support our kids!

I gladly gave her a $150/month more, from $450 to $600 waay back then to help.

I moved AND it got to be a real hassle to see the kids so I just said, "Lord, if it is meant to be, it's in your hands" and it wasn't too long that she finally saw that I wasn't the ***-ho-e she thought I was AND that I realized she wasn't the bi-ch I thought she was. So we got remarried!!

Now that the kids are gone, (20 years later), she starts the same old sh-t so I don't know if I'm gonna stay around or not??

Hang in there and it will work out if YOU do what's right AND I figure you will know what's right!!

pdq67

PS., and to top it off, I let onna the prettiest, nicest young Lady's go when we got back together AND to this day, I think about how things woulda been different if I woulda not gotten remarried, but rather to my girlfriend at that time....

Wish I knew, BUT as the old song by, (I think), Tyrone Davis,
say's, "you can't turn back the hands of time"!!!

383 · Jul 15, 2005

First off I don't blame God for my problems. I know there must be a lesson to be learned and I'll have to find it. Yes, this has made me a better person in the sense that I am learning patience. I lacked patience before. I have learned what true love is everytime I get to hold and interact with my daughter, and when she looks at me and smiles.
I'm no stranger to the hard-knocks of life, but this has been the hardest knock so far, and it isn't just about me either. My daughter is being cheated out of knowing her father the way a child should. I can say I'm being cheated as well, but I know it isn't about me.
When I decide to move to that Godforsaken town to be able to spend more time with my daughter, I will. I'll do it for her. There will have to be some order put in place that the mother can't move out of the county if I move there. I know this can be done. (rant on)
The mother is not on drugs, never been arrested, has a job, and makes pretty good money. What I am frustrated about is the fact that the Psych. either failed to see her vindictiveness and the way she is using my daughter to get back at me for claimed injustices, or blew off her poor attitude toward fostering a relationship between my daughter and myself.
Wouldn't you think a good mother would want the child to spend as much time with the father in such a situation, as long as the father has made it clear that's what he is willing to do? She is using my daughter as a means to hurt me. This is what the court should see and either does not, or doesn't care. I won't even get into the e-mail I received yesterday where she is trying to interpret what the Psych. recommended for visitation, and denying me most of what he decided.
(rant off) I think I have nothing more to say at this point.
I again thank you all for your comments, suggestions, and support.

Back from court... Basically I'm screwed.

383

Rocketrod

DjD

rich pern

383

4Z2864

Gary L

DjD

383

BlackoutSteve

MrDanB

ssdanny69

chip_127

ummgawa

camaroman7d

sicsD8

davidpozzi

pdq67

383

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